Ruminating...

So lately I've been thinking about the life of an SB and all that it entails. Like I understand that choosing a lifestyle like this is a choice that should be weighed heavily because it requires a lot of time and patience and being able to separate these two aspects of your life. In some aspects I feel as though I am doing myself a disservice by not being a regular college-student, a regular 19 year-old, because I am not allowing myself the chance to truly experience being "broke" and in college and having to get creative with meals and such, and also the prudent spending of money. But then I feel as though because I have such high expectations for my life and such pronounced goals that in some ways I need to have a mentor/benefactor/sugar daddy who will help to make my goals a reality. 


"To attain something you've never had you need to do something you've never done" 


That quote sticks out in my head and I always think about how hard I've worked thus far and the hard work I am going to have to put in in the future that will allow for me to achieve my goals. I'm not saying that having a SD will be an easy way to success because there is no easy way, but instead having one will  help to actually materialize and make my goals truly attainable. I can't fail and I won't fail, and so many people don't understand what I mean when I say that...but if you are from the "hood" then you know what that means. I don't want the life my mother had, and I'm not saying that in a degrading way but instead in a "I want to be better" sort of way. Like I don't want to struggle as much as she did and I also don't want to find my "purpose" at a late age...But I understand that that is out of my hands. However, somehow I feel as though it is my responsibility to take care of my family and to be honest, that is where my money from SDs go. Like when I was with the "Mandarin-Oriental" man my allowance went into getting my bf a birthday present, saving for my brother's impending prison release, and making sure I had money so I wouldn't have to ask my mother for anything. At one point my mom needed money so I sent her what she needed. I don't feel as though a child should have to worry about money, but instead on her grades and retaining her innocence for as long as possible. Although, it appears that my reality differs what I believe should happen. But being a broke college student means that I can't buy my mother something extremely nice for mother's day and I hate that. I guess since my brother has been in jail I have been trying to take on the role of care-taker, especially trying to take care of my mom and my nephew. Like I guess I'm doing this because I just don't want to stress my mother will my problems which appear minuscule in comparison to hers. She has student loans, car payments, cell-phone payments, and health expenses while also paying what she can for my schooling. I just want to be independent so that my mother can focus on herself and not have to worry about me. But at the same time I don't want to do anything that will not make her proud. Although, I don't regret any decisions I have made so anyone else's opinions have no purpose. 
But I'm not sure...I'm taking my finals right now so I guess I can do more introspection when I have more time...but I hope all the other College SBs good luck with all of their finals!!
xoxo